This blog often contains adult orientated discussions.
Hi I’m LS, nice to meet you!
News is still talking non stop about Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370. What a mystery. My heart goes out to all touched by the tragedy and hope there is word soon.
I’ve always been antisocial. Probably caused by my single mother leaving me at home alone before and after school when I was young. She apparently couldn’t afford a babysitter. I was severely spanked one time because friends had come over and I’d wrongly answered the door, so they realized i was alone and told their father, who insisted i come over to be safe. I was like five or six. She was so angry for that.
So I’d sit in front of the television day after day watching what little TV there was ‘back in the old days’. Monkees was a favourite. And reading. Up until the age of 25ish i read hours a day. One year in high school i read 32 extra books over the 8 we’d had to read. All while keeping up a B average and working after school and babysitting on weekends.
I’ve always had a couple friends, but not too many really. Then we moved every year, forcing me to change schools. Every year that much harder to make friends. Most had already made theirs.
But I can honestly say, as of today, I have no friends. I’ve allowed my mental health issues and my husband to alienate me. The few friends I had as an adult, I avoided while I was near bald. It was easier than having to explain. I have one long time <15+ years> friend who is online. But, being online it is limited of course. He’s talked me down many times. There’s been many days, I’ve felt he’s the only one whose cared. But those were dark dark days.
Generally I’m in a pretty good place, but there are days i myself have proclaimed ‘i’m a loser why don’t you shoot me’. No, i’m not a Nirvana fan, in fact could even say i dislike them. That someone gave up and commited suicide, that person should not be put on a pedistall. Suicide is never the answer. Assisted suicide for someone near death, perhaps. It really is a hard issue. But aside from someone days away from death, it is never the answer. To transfer the pain you feel inside to family and friends, it’s just too selfish an action. And trust me, even tho we’ve just met, I understand dark days.
I understand sobbing uncontrollably for what feels like hours. Wanting to die, begging God.. the devil… any Deity to take me. To stop the pain. None listening. I’ve never felt that anyone has ever listened to me. If i’d try to speak to my mom, i was called an idiot, if i would tell the teacher my mom was abusive, she’d say i see no bruises. Why didn’t she get there’s many more ways to hurt. Not my husband, it’s either a joke answer or a story of it happening to him. Rarely me ever actually getting to speak. Tho i find that with most people, they simply want to talk about themselves. It’s not that i’m really bashing the hubster that much. He has many faults, but he’s one of the few people in the world to actually love me. Why he ever would, i don’t know. I’ve been a bitch since we’ve met. The last couple of boyfriends were abusive, and I was so very determined to never be abused again. I failed.
On this journey of discovery and exploration I hope to take one of the top things on my ‘how come’ list is to come to understand why everything makes me cry. Not a sobbing, sniffling, face contorting type of crying. Tears simply stream down my cheeks from my eyes. Things i see or hear just triggers it. The older i get, the more it seems to happen. It kinda drives me crazy. No control whatsoever of myself.
So you’ve discovered i’m mostly antisocial. My understanding of humanity also contributes to that. Too many broken people in the world these days. Who wants to be apart of someone else’s melt down. It certainly does sound like terrorism works. Except i love getting out into the wilderness. It’s the large groups i avoid. I mean i can do anything. But my brain won’t be happy. It will be off on a “what if” tangent and somedays it’s all just too much and i prefer to avoid that.
I love mother nature. And when she’s mad, she’s spectacular. I’ve stayed up watching Anderson Cooper get blown around in the hurricanes many times. Another interest is scouring the internet for the most uptodate info in massacres/sprees. I’ve sat mesmorized for hours reading a newsgroup dedicated to people looking for their loved ones who may have been involved in the Virginia Tech shooting with Cho. It was heartwrenching, that day i streamed tears for hours.
My husband asked me what’s wrong and when i explained what i was reading, he was stunned to think i would want to put myself through that.
I search out human misery. Perhaps to make myself feel better? I don’t really think so. I’ve always been a people watcher. I use to say it was because i was a writer, needed as many examples of real life as i can get. You can only write what you know after all.
And did i ever go down a path to learn! We’ll definitely talk about all that. Somedays i’m glad i wasn’t born in the age of the internet. I’m sure i’d have been one of those dumb girls that flew half way across the country/world to meet an older male stranger who had befriended me. I grew up in my bedroom. My mother made sure i had everything in there, so i’d never come out. She ruled the TV so if i wanted to watch a show, i had to watch it in my room. Had i had a computer, it would have been in my room. <P.S. if your child’s computer isn’t in a common area how are you watching what they are up to?>
Sex has always been apart of my life. As a child I mimicked what i had been taught as a toddler and attempted sexual touching with all my friends. Some allowing it, some not. Course i didn’t know i was doing it for that reason then, that wouldn’t come for a few more decades.
I was fired from yet another job about five months ago. I’m just too outspoken. I tried a bit in the beginning to find a job, but gave up. I am a loser, but i hope to fix that. Will you help me? They say journalling airs the soul. And I am hoping much soul searching and open discussion will give me a few ‘a ha’ moments.
These days I call myself a contest enterer. LOL I try to enter at least 25 contests a day. Tho the first month I started it was more like a hundred a day. I feel i win about 1 percent of what i enter, the largest prize I’ve won so far was $250 in clothes. Not too shabby. Couple small fast food gift cards and multiple movie tickets are more noteable from the smaller prizes, and tons of books. In four months I’ve won about 20 books. I’m hoping for even bigger!
I’ve been to quite a few twitter parties as well. I’m not so lucky there, largest prize so far is equivalent to $100. But my $50 Visa Gift Card was the best. Over time i hope to organize some twitter parties. For the lonely, fat, sick or whatever your flaw may be. Let me know what you think. Email me at email@example.com or leave a comment below. I would really love to hear from you. I’d even like to have a few penpals.
Topics that will be covered through this journey will be sex abuse, prostitution, weigh loss, screenplay writing, Trichotillomania, nutrition, BDSM, dreams, drugs, beginning yoga, music, tv, social media, current events, twitter parties… seems like near everything. I seem to be a textbook case. What do I mean? Can you guess? I will eventually explain. Can’t get to everything in one day. I am dyslexic, so please don’t razz me too hard for the errors. I tend to ramble. I can not obsess on what i’ve already written too long, when i have so much more i need to get out.
So much more to talk about, but i’m going to stop here for today. Please let me know how you’re doing? And if you’re in need of a weight loss buddy, get in touch with me. I need to lose 60 pounds. This blog will be a road for that as well.
Don’t bother to try and convince me about Nirvana. We’re allowed our own opinions on music. That’s what makes music so wonderful. I’m more an Aerosmith and George Thorogood kinda gal.
I’d also prefer if you didn’t judge me, or anyone who happens to share. Not being in our shoes, what the hell do you know? Much of what I bring up will be from the past, I’m a different person now. You’ll hear me bash chemicals frequently as I keep myself up to date with new trends the dumb kids do. But know I smoke weed. Chronic even. Tho being jobless i’m rationed. I have no prescription, but feel i self medicate. One shrink told me long ago I should take ADD drugs, I decided weed was better. If you knew me before, you’d know drugs don’t mess me up. I’ve had many folks marvel on the amounts of chemicals I could consume and have prescience of mind. All that said, these days I bash all chemicals for anyone and I do not feel minors should be smoking weed/hash at all. Many of my stupid decisions in my teens were made while high, science shows it hurts the growing decision making parts of the brain, and that a person’s brain isn’t fully developed until 21. Weed is an adult indulgence. That is where I stand on that.
I’m about as opposite as you can get in regards to alcohol tho and rarely drink. Often i joke i’m a kid at heart and will never grow up, but after i began having children I decided adults don’t black out and basically stopped drinking.
Sorry to be so serious a moment. I know all about haters.
Please don’t be shy, if you read this say hi and let me know where you’re from.